My spinning world

Have you ever felt like your journey is doing a little dance of 2 steps forward and then 1 step back?  Well, that’s sort of where I am but not because of my mental health.  The last couple of weeks I have been getting up and getting dressed, not into pjs, doing the dishes, tidying my house, doing quick workouts to build muscle, and somatic workouts to help my body let go of all the stress that has held me back. 

This week my body has decided to stop me from doing anything, vertigo.  If you’ve ever had it then you know what I’m talking about if you haven’t you are lucky but let me explain.  Vertigo makes moving and doing anything difficult, it causes a dizziness like no other and the head pressure is painful.  So, thanks to vertigo I am unable to continue the small steps I had been taking to be better, the steps that were getting me moving and making me feel like a person again.  What have I been up to?  Sleeping and resting, it’s the only thing I can do.

I know some of you might think that the things I had been doing seem so small and insignificant, but for me they were big steps in my journey.  They gave me a routine, they gave me a sense of contribution, they got me up and looking human, not a mess in pjs with my hair in a nest as my daughter so kindly told me. 

Now I know this isn’t permanent and it will go away in a few days, hopefully, and I am already looking forward to it being gone, until the next time it comes back.  It has been a struggle for the last 15 years and it takes me down every time those little crystals in my ears decide to go on an adventure within my ear canal.

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The first time I got vertigo was when I woke up in the hospital after a car accident.  I have no memory of the accident, only what has been told to me, and very few of the following few days.  I woke up confused, in pain, and wearing a huge neck brace.  I couldn’t tell you who was there, but I remember every movement caused the room to spin out of control. 

I do remember during one of the spins my friend was with me, she had rushed from 2 hours away to be with me when she heard about the accident, I remember saying I am going to be sick…..and then I was, all over myself and my bed.  And like a true bestie she got me out of bed, called the nurse to change the blankets, and changed me into a clean hospital gown.  Now that is a friendship like no other, always there for you and always ready to take care of you when you need it.

I remember the moment my boyfriend, now husband, told me what had happened.  My car had been hit by an oncoming motor bike, me and my daughter, who was 8 months old at the time, were lucky to be alive.  It was not the same outcome for the other driver, he had passed away on scene, and I cried when I found out what had happened. 

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I see the cross on the highway every time I drive that way and it’s ok, I used to feel guilty, but the guilt doesn’t change what happened.  I learned to accept it and be grateful that me and my baby girl were given a second chance. 

I think that is a big lesson that many people can learn, that feeling guilty about the things that you can’t change causes you hurt, anger, or frustration.  Sometimes you must accept what happens and move on, I know it sounds heartless, but acceptance leads to healing and even learning.  You might even learn from what happened and know not to repeat the same actions, but don’t feel guilty if you can’t change what happened.

Wanting to stop spinning,

Chantal M.

#journeys #findingme #vertigo #thankful #secondchances