What I'm learning

After months of being in the dark, hiding myself, and being ashamed of what I had become I was anxious to talk to people, scared that they would judge me, scared that they wouldn’t understand, and just scared to be out with people again.

I began slowly, my motivation, cheering my son on at his hockey games or my daughter at her volleyball matches.  That got me up and out of my house, once a week.  I wasn’t myself for the first 2 months of the season, putting on a mask so no one would see the mess that I had become.  I did eventually start talking, I began to open up about what I had gone through and how it had affected me, and you want to know what happened, they started telling me their stories. 

It is amazing how you feel so alone and scared and then you open up and realize that you are not alone.  That feeling of fear lessens and you realize that you don’t have to look or act perfect.  Be real and talk and listen, and you see that everyone is fighting or has fought their own battles.  I know I have had a few and I have grown from every single one, but I also know how hard it is to let people in and see the real you when you are falling apart.  It’s almost as though it is a paranoia that everyone is watching you because everyone knows your trauma.

Trauma can be so many different things.  I used to think that trauma was physical abuse, I didn’t know that what I had gone through was a trauma until I spoke to my therapist, and I also didn’t know that my difficult times throughout my life were also trauma.   

“Trauma is the lasting emotional response that often results from living through a distressing event.  Experiencing a traumatic event can harm a person’s sense of safety, sense of self, and ability to regulate emotions and navigate relationships.  Long after the traumatic event occurs, people with trauma can often feel shame, helplessness, powerlessness, and intense fear” – Center for Addiction and Mental Health

Reading the above definition of trauma really makes you look at events in your life in a different way, you are able to see the events that have had a significant impact on who you are, how you react, and what can potentially be a trigger. 

Trauma affects many people, some are simple traumas while others are complex and no matter which kind trauma is trauma.  Remember I am not a therapist, I am simply a person that has begun to dig into my past and recognize my trauma so that I can know my triggers and develop ways to calm myself in those situations.

Always learning,

Chantal M.

#beingreal #alwayslearning #trauma #talking